cal's {natural} birth: part 2

warning: this is a birth story. a natural birth. and i wrote it just the way it happened. so if reading about a birth that isn't your normal lay in a bed, get an epidural, and pop a baby out makes you uncomfortable, feel free not read this. seriously!

i'm not even sure how to write part 2.

how do you justly describe one of the most defining experiences of your life? especially when you suffer severely from mommy brain and it takes you five minutes to think of words as simple as, well... simple.  it was funny and painful and empowering and embarrassing and sacred and ridiculously hard and whole bunch of other adjectives I can't think of right now.

man, was it hard.

but man, was it rewarding.

a synergy of feelings, impossible to dissect.

the labor
we arrived at the hospital just as the contractions were starting to take my breath away. in the middle of checking in, a wave hit me and i had to excuse myself as i walked circles around the waiting room, yelling out my information as the check in nurse asked her obnoxious questions (dudette, i'm in labor. YES, all the info is right. isn't this why we do pre-registration months before?) it was during check-in though, that i did the smartest thing i think i've ever done.

"i'm attempting to go natural, so i'd like a nurse who has experience with that sort of thing."

"we'll see what we can do."

and man did they deliver.  no pun intended.

as soon as we walked into the pre-admit room i felt it. my contractions were slowing down. i hate hospital. like, really really hate hospitals.  and for some reason, this labor's progress was directly correlating to my current state of stress.

the pre-admit nurse was perky and pretty and fun. and young. and i could tell she was all things medical. natural wasn't really her forte and i could sense her scrutiny when i told her my plans. please don't be my nurse.

"let's see, your contractions have slowed down to every 8 minutes and usually we only admit those who are at least 5-7 minutes apart, but let me check you really quick.

 ummm...WOW.  you're a 5, almost 6. so, uh... definitely in labor. i'll give the on call doctor a call and see if we should admit you." is there even a question?

5 minutes later she escorted me into my corner birthing suite.

"christy, your labor nurse, won't be here until 7AM so i'll be with you for the next hour."

because i was strep b positive again, i was required to have an iv site placed so i could receive the antibiotics.  perky nurse blew my first vein.

OUCH.

my contractions stayed at a steady 8 minutes apart and were gaining in intensity.  while i received the antibiotic i had to lay in bed which was pretty much the worst position ever for contractions.  at that point, the thing that felt the very best was to have deek massage my hand through each contraction.

the antibiotics finished and perky nurse released me from my prison iv. i hopped out of bed an instantly felt like a healthy human again instead of a sick patient.

it was then that she arrived.

christy.  older than perky nurse.  no makeup, wearing a sun and moon necklace and earrings. totally mystical and soft spoken and, well, natural.

holy hannah, i ordered a hippy.

the first thing she did was call the cafeteria and lift the standard food ban most hospitals have for laboring women.

"bring her whatever she wants, whenever she wants."

i wanted to hug her. food tasted so good and kept me from feeling nauseated.

she asked me what my goal for the day was so she could write it on my white board.  "to have a successful labor and a healthy baby," i replied.

"no," she said, "to have a successful natural labor and a healthy baby."

i turned on my playlist, plugged in my candle warmer and whipped out my vanilla lime scented candle.  i hate the smell of hospitals.

my birthing suite was massive.  a corner room with a big, gorgeous window pouring in gallons of natural light.  i had a private bathroom with a gigantic jetted tub, with customizable jet massage options. a birthing ball was rolled into the corner. {what is this thing? and how is this different than a regular exercise ball? side note: still not really sure.}

i drew a bath and hung out in the tub for a while. contractions were getting more intense but still slowing down in frequency - now happening every 10 minutes.

my doctor came to check on me.

"just let me know if you want me to break your water.  this is your birth, i'm just here to support you. this day is YOURS, not mine.  you make the calls."

i decided to hold out and see if labor would pick up on its own.

an hour later and out of the tub contractions were down to every 20 minutes. TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES.

my doctor came back.

"still your choice for breaking your water, but just so you know, the longer labor is stalled, statistically, the smaller the chance it will come back on its own. let me know what you want to do."

i don't know? should i just have him do it? or do i just hang out and see what happens? man, i really don't want labor to completely stop and have to do the whole pitocin thing... do i chance statistics?

i was this close to giving in and having him break it, but then my angel hippy nurse piped up, "your fine. this is totally normal.  my personal belief is that it's nature's way of giving women a rest before it gets really intense.  it let's the body prepare and rest for what's to come.  i worry if he breaks your water now, it will be too intense, too fast," said in her awesome mystical way. "by the way, most doctor's wouldn't have given you the choice the second time around. bryan is awesome. the closest doctor there is to a midwife in boise."

done. she gave me the confidence to wait it out. and visit the 70's while we're at it.

then christy gave me some tips on natural ways to try and break one's water and to induce contractions.  squatting, bouncing, pressure points... all sorts of things she had learned from watching midwives. "but just so you don't stress, in some women, their water doesn't break until they're at a 9 or 10.  just don't worry too much about it."

then she checked me. definitely a 7, which i guess was good seeing as how i only had to deal with contractions every 15-20 minutes.

after trying some squats and the birthing ball and such, deek and i decided to go out for stroll. see if we can walk this baby out. 

we headed straight for the stairwell.  10 flights up, 10 flights down. HECK. YES.

we seriously started sprinting up the stairs. all 10 flights. {along with our fellow stairwell patron, Harold*, who was about 80 years old and used the stairs as his daily exercise  since recovering from a heart attack. i think he was worried about the 41 week pregnant lady pounding his stairs.}

the contractions started to pick up. as soon as one would start, i would stop running, grab onto the hand rail, squat it out and have deek rub my back.  but honestly, the exercise and moving felt good. great, even.

then we ran down all 10 flights.  the contractions were coming faster, but i wasn't ready to go back to the room yet.  we started speed walking the halls.

"just kidding. these contractions are getting too intense. back to the room.  gasp. NOW."

christy immediately came to check me. "ok...great job! your pretty much an 8. i think you liked the water, so that's where you should spend your transition in. i'll go fill the tub." i remember feeling happy she made the decision where i should transition.  i had no idea what i wanted. besides to die.

the contractions started rolling.  i think this is when i entered what they call the jekyll and hyde part of labor. they started to get really, really intense.  too intense to talk. or breath.

one second i was having deek rub my back, the next i was swatting his hand away. "birthing ball.... sit.... NO! not...gasp....YOU.....gasp....ME!  $%*t."

transition
the tub was ready.

the tub. oh boy, the tub.


people say natural birth is hard. doable, but hard.  i'm not really sure what they've experienced, because for me hard doesn't begin to describe what my transition was like.

it was there, hunched over the side of the tub with the jets shooting into my belly with deek rubbing my back that i think i greeted the sacrificial altar of motherhood.

it was so incredibley painful. seriously, i cannot over emphasize the intensity of what i felt. but it was a different kind of pain than anything i had ever experienced.  it wasn't a harmful pain. it was a complete, all encompassing, almost purifying pain. during one of the contractions i felt a quick little stinging pop.  i think this is when my water broke. christy came and tried to help me breath. why didn't i practice any breathing beforehand?? it helped some but without practice, it really didn't do much.

"why did i want to do this!!? i'm guessing it's too late for the epidural."

"yes. but you're doing it. this is the worst part."

she left for a few minutes to prepare for the delivery.

i so clearly remember feeling completely overwhelmed at this point.  i had zero control over what my body was doing. i felt as if i was going self combust at any moment. i wanted to cry but was in too much pain. i was almost in despair.

"deek, i need a blessing. i can't do this without help."

and so right there in my bathroom, still hunched over the tub deek gave me a priesthood blessing. it was short and sweet and perfect. i can do this.

christy came back. "it's time to get out."

the contractions were rolling about every minute and a half and lasted about a minute each.  that gave us 30 seconds to move between contractions. deek and christy helped me out of the tub. just as i was starting to dress another one hit.  i dropped to the tiled ground.  i seriously thought i was going to die. christy went to grab my doctor and deek cheered me on.

it ended and they raced me over to the bed. again, as i was climbing onto the bed another one came.  the only position that felt good was on my forearms and knees. i was fully dilated.

"you're body is going to want to push really soon. let it do it's thing - this is the baby coming into the canal," christy said.

as if on cue my body decided it was going to try and expell my brain.

my doctor walked in.

"jenny, i would let you stay like this to birth but you have a greater chance of tearing if i do. after this contraction we're going to flip you over and deliver this baby. you're amazing and you're doing beautifully."

the delivery
this delivery was so different than with reese.  reese's was great, but was very typical of a completely induced labor with an epidural.  lots of people in and out, lots of bright lights. happy, exciting, easy.

this time there were just four of us in the room. deek, me, christy, and my doctor.  no bright lights, just the natural light pouring in from the window. my playlist of 5 songs still playing in the background.

it was peaceful and sacred and intimate, despite the fact i sounded like a woman in labor.

they say you're body just knows how to push. holy moly, does it know how to push.

this part was just as intense as transition except along with each contraction there was an added measure of feeling. pushing. PUSHING.

i compare this part to feeling cold. once the temperature gets to about 20 below zero then it's just cold. same thing with the pain of labor.  once you reach a certain threshold of pain, it's just pain. it doesn't feel any better or worse. and honestly, this part was so much better. the end was in site and i could tell cal was almost here. i was in control of something.

it still didn't stop me from saying a naughty word. "well said!" replied my doctor.

my doctor coached me through the entire thing. "push!" "don't push!" "short little pushes!" "one more big push!"

20 minutes of pushing. the head, followed by the body.

a breath
a cry
a moment of triumph
a moment of beauty
a moment of love

and just like that it was over. no more pain. no more pregnant. i felt... normal. exquisitely normal. and no tearing was an added bonus.

deek cut the chord and my nurse immediately laid cal on my chest. he was gorgeous and healthy and mine.

then my doctor piped up, "you're losing more blood than i'd like, would you mind trying to nurse? i need your uterus to start contracting again."

and so we nursed immediately. they let me hold and cuddle and nurse him for over an hour before weighing and measuring while they dripped in pitocin to stop my excessive bleeding.

that was such a sacred time for me. me and deek and cal alone in our room together. we were so beyond happy and never had i felt so empowered, so able, and so unbelievably full of capacity.  if i can do that, i seriously can do anything.

as intense as my pain had been, it had been replaced with an equal intensity of joy. joy for my baby, joy for my husband, joy for motherhood, and joy for my savior for the allowing me the gift of experience.

there was a whole-lotta love going on.

i still think about that day often. how hard it was and how empowered i felt after.  how perfect and sweet that baby in my arms was. how close it made me feel to deek. how it gave me a tiny little glimpse into the type of love Christ must have for each one of us to voluntarily suffer as he did.

it was incredible. indescribable. intense in every possible way.

will i do it again? i don't know.

would i do it over? you bet.

all i know, is that it was perfect. a perfect catalyst for all types of experience, and it was mine.










*name has been changed because i don't remember the real one. and i like the sound of harold.